Cameragrl74′s Weblog

by the comments people leave on another’s blog. Horrible, mean, cruel, disrespectful comments. Words that are only said to hurt that person. A person who has lost her only child and is grieving in a way I can’t understand. A person who I have worlds of respect for because, although I don’t know her IRL and we’ll probably never meet,  she’s able to share her pain and write out what she wants to, for the world to read. She’s lost her precious 17 month old. Something no one should ever have to do. One of the most stunningly beautiful little girls I’ve ever seen. How could some person who has read even a sentence of what she’s going through, leave such a horrible comment? Whatever her reasons are behind it, it doesn’t excuse the fact that she kicked someone while she’s at the lowest point of her life. She just lost a child you complete waste of space and skin. I guess it’s easy to say such vile things because you have the anonymity of the internet that you can hide behind. I bet you wouldn’t have the courage to say those things in person. How cruel and miserable of a person you must be to say the things you did to a grieving mother.  Shame on you.

Yep, I’m 35. I will be for the rest of the year. I didn’t just have a birthday, that was in March, but I’ve thought a lot about being 35 since then. Things like, when you’re a kid, 35 was old! It was a number that was so far away you couldn’t ever imagine being 35. I’ve thought about stuff like how I’m half way through my 30′s and I’m STILL not doing what I want to do professionally. Let’s not kid, I’m not doing what I want personally either. I need to quit being a chicken shit and just do it. Professionally and personally. My dream on the career front is to be a photographer. No surprise there because I talk a lot about photography. a. lot. But I’d also like to be a party planner. I love to plan parties. Love it! The research, coming up with ideas, everything in between, and the eventual outcome. I need to suck it up and put myself out there. Like I said, quit being a chicken shit.  I’ve really thought a lot about it ever since Dr. Long started his new sermon 2 wks ago at church. The title of it is Critical questions every parent asks. The first one was “what on Earth have you done?!” The awesome thing was he brought it around to God asking us ‘what on Earth have you done’? It’s made me think that I haven’t done much. And there’s a lot I wanna do. My list of wants is:

Be a mom, wife, best friend, awesome sister, wonderful daughter, photographer, happy, whimsical, financially responsible, and all around great person. While I am already some of those, ), I want to be all of those things. Of course it’s not all I want out of this life, but a good start. So back to my thoughts on being 35. I believe this will be the year that I quit with the fear of the unknown and put myself out there. Both professionally and personally. Hell, I bought a car this year! I’ve told myself forever that I couldn’t afford it and this and that, but when I quit saying that, I realized I can do it. I can do anything I set my mind to. No more negative thoughts. If you say it long enough you believe it. So, here’s to a great year to continue on in my great life. (I may have rambled on long enough and lost my point somewhere, but I’m not going to re-read this post and change it. Ha!)

Have an awesome week, day, month, year. And ask yourself, “What on Earth have you done?”

My 4 days of freedom were lovely. Lake Wister is a beautiful place and if you ever have the chance to go, you should. The water was extremely high, but not so high that you couldn’t get in and enjoy it. (although I only went calf deep) Watch out for submerged picnic tables though. It was that high. LOL. I think everyone had a good time. There were only a couple of negatives (not for me, unless you count the prehistoric looking creepy crawlies), but all in all, it was a fabulous time. That being said, do you ever feel when you go away for a minute, that on the way back you just can’t wait to be home again? I get like that everytime I go somewhere. I get this excited, OMG I can’t wait to be there feeling. When I see the buildings of downtown I get this rush of “Yeah I’m home”. I love getting away and I love coming home.

 I called my doctor last Thursday to find out about the results of my C-Pap test. Since it has been 2 weeks and I should have heard back in 1. The nurse calls me back to say that, yes in fact they did get my results, and that I have the worst case of sleep apnea. ever. Also, they need to run 3 more tests  – EKG, ECHO, and Chest X-ray. Seriously? Apparently sleep apnea can cause pulmonary hypertension and they wanna look at the old ticker and see how it’s functioning. I did the EKG on Tuesday and the Echo on Wednesday. (they don’t waste anytime.) Not sure about the chest x-ray, but I think I’ll call today and find out if I still have to do that. The EKG was alright but the Echo was cool. It’s basically an ultrasound of your heart. Very wild to see it beating there on the screen. Sister L went with me and I’m glad she did. It’s nice to have someone to chat with while you’re in the waiting room and then to be back there when the test is going on. She asked all sorts of questions, stuff I probably never would have thought of. I really never seem to come up with good questions when I’m in the mix of something like that. I clam up. That’s the time I should be chatty cathy and rattle off everything I’m thinking or think of asking. Maybe not everything – like “wow, you’re a really hot tech. Are you single?” LOL…He was very nice and very funny though. It’s hard not to be when you have L asking, “I know you can’t tell us anything, but can you at least tell us if it’s a boy or a girl?!” Rest assured sports fans, there’s no penis on this heart! She’s damn funny.  Hot tech said it would be about a week before I heard anything. Why is it always a week? He did say it could be sooner, but usually a week. I guess it’s a good sign I haven’t received a call saying “Why did they let you leave the hospital? You need heart surgery STAT!” That’s a good thing. I’m not too worried about my heart. Heart problems do run in the family, but usually on the side of the guys. My dad died from a heart attack, my uncle M had valve replacement surgery, their dad died from a heart attack….so I guess it would be a distinction to be the only female in this all male group to have to have my heart worked on. Actually I take that back. I’d rather pass. The thought of that just scared the shit out of me. Surgery in general scares the shit out of me and I’ve already had two of those. Okay, enough of that. I don’t need to worry about something unless I know the facts.

 On a lighter note, I did get talked into going to the movies this Friday. Normally I’m jumping at the chance to go to the movies, but my friend SH and her roomie M want to go see Drag me to hell. WTF?! That looks like THE DUMBEST movie. Well maybe not dumber than UHF or The Darkness or The Others. The last two I saw in the theater and I was PISSED I paid to see them. On the darkness Sister L and I were so pissed about paying to see that crap, that we snuck into Ocean’s 12. We figured they owed something. There should be a warning about crap movies. Before you see them. Like a disclaimer or something. “Warning the movie you are about to watch is a piece of shit and will probably piss you off.” “The ending will be so stupid you can guess the plot 15 minutes into said movie.” “You have the option of leaving the theater right now for a full refund or to view a different movie of your choice. Should you stay and watch this entire crap of a movie, do so at your own risk. No refund will be given and you can’t complain that you stayed and watched it.”  Sure it’s a long disclaimer, but they could run it Star Wars style on the screen. Speaking of….Star Trek is an AWESOME movie. I would pay the $9 it cost to see it again. yes, again. It was that. good. I was a little miffed about the 9 bucks at first, but it was well worth it. (who knew they don’t do matinee prices on the weekend? not me.) I’m not a trekkie, but that movie is really, really good. I’ll probably buy it when it comes out on DVD. Yep, I said it. That’s a ringing endorsement! So, after I go and see DMTH this friday, I’ll have to tell you all about it. It’s a girls night, so maybe we can go for drinks afterwards?

***Update 7/1/09***I did see it and it was in fact, one of THE WORST MOVIES EVER! DMTH is terrible and I’m not sure how they can call it a thriller of a movie. At best it’s a comedy with 1 or 2 tense moments. The only saving grace is 1. I didn’t have to pay for my ticket and 2. M & S both agreed with me that it was terrible! Won’t have to eat crow this time!

Yeah! Today is my Friday here at work. I’m actually taking a day off!! I may complain about coming to work, and such, but I never take a day off. Never. (to prove my point, a co-worker just came in and said, I hear you’re taking off tomorrow? Wow, you never take off.)  Since I’ve been at this job, almost 2 yrs thank you very much, I haven’t even called in sick. I’ve never really liked calling in sick anyway. I always feel guilty. Not like I’m so fabulous that the office would fall apart with out me, although I am fabulous. hahaha. I guess maybe it’s because I’d be bored at home or something. I don’t know. I haven’t over analyzed it. But this time, I am taking a day off and heading to the lake for Memorial Weekend!! Lake Wister here I come. Along with Brother W and his family, Sister K and the girls, Mom, Friends E&J, and their kids, the Shoe Ninja, and I think Friend T is joining the fun. We’ll be gone until Monday and I’m so stinking excited!!! You’d think I’ve never gone anywhere. I guess it has been a really long time since I’ve gone anywhere. I’m trying to think of what I did last Memorial Weekend and I’m stumped? We were probably all broke and hung out at E&J’s house/pool. I’m so excited that I even started packing last night. I needed to clean out my closet anyway to find my duffel bag, so I just started putting stuff together then. It’s hard to focus on work today. Hell, everyday it’s hard to focus on work, but it’s really hard today. I’m riding with the E&J fam and we’re heading out tomorrow at 10a.m. Granted, check in isn’t until 3p.m., but we are that excited to leave. Plus it will be more like 10:30 when we hit the road, after stopping at Byron’s for the cheap adult beverages. If you live in OK, and don’t know about Byron’s, you’re living under a rock. CHEAP LIQUOR. LOL…I need a good beer for this weekend. Now that I’m not taking that crappy medicine, my good friend Beer and I have become re-aquainted. I missed my friend. (not in an alcoholic sort of way, just a fun sort of way. -not a dis to the alcoholics in the world, that’s a tough deal)  Anywho….we should arrive at LW about an hour or two before check in. Sure we could wait and leave a little later, but why? It’s vacation time!!!

 I guess I should focus on getting this payroll finished. Or something. Hahaha…Hope you all (if anyone ever reads these besides me) have a safe and happy Memorial Weekend!!!

I found out last week that I have sleep apnea. (cue dramatic music) I was pretty sure what the outcome would be from the sleep study, so it wasn’t a huge reveal when I got the call from the doctor’s office. Yeah. Only yeah in the sense that I found the cause of my daily headaches and crappy sleep style. Not yeah that I’ll now be wearing a hazmat looking mask while I sleep. I was telling Nan tonight that I have to go back to the hospital on Wednesday for it and the only thing she had to say freak out about was “Oh God! Find out how much that is going to cost on the electricity.” Likes it’s some huge generator drain or something. I swear! A little compassion or at least a “Well now you know” type of thing. I should have known better. She isn’t really the compassionate type. Her being negative just makes me wish Memorial Weekend was that much closer. (Hello Lake Wister!!!) I am a little freaked out about it all. I guess I’ve made it to 35, so I shouldn’t be worried, right? I heard before that worrying is like sweeping the beach – it gets you nowhere. But that hasn’t stopped me from trying. LOL…

On a lighter note…I’ve decided I’m going to learn how to use the Nikon Coolpix 5000 that E&J loaned to me. I’m not going to get anywhere with my photography if I don’t. I really want to learn how to delay the shutter so I can take a pic like the one from the movie “A lot like love”. (with Amanda Peet and Ashton Kutcher) Speaking of that movie, I think everyone should have an Oliver in their life.  Anyway, if I can figure out that camera, then maybe I can put some good pictures on here.  If I was smart, and I like to think I am, then I’ll start saving for the DSLR camera that I want. I did see a really nice one the other day for around $500. I think that would be a good start and then I can move on up to the thousand(s) dollar ones. Awww, sigh.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I guess maybe because I haven’t had much to say or not anything I wanted to say. I’ve disappointed myself with WW. I’ve missed the last three meetings at first, it was just missing the Friday meeting but I was going to go to the Saturday one to make up for it. Saturday came and went – no WW. No worries, I’ll go next week. Next week came and went – no WW. Okay, seriously? Third week came and still no WW. That’s where I’m at today. I figured I had gained some good amount of weight and didn’t want it staring me in the face. I felt like a failure. Why pay $12 bucks a week when I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do. Sure I’ve lost 70lbs and while I’m not saying that’s not an accomplishment in itself,  I just have a lot more that I need to lose. It’s time to get back on the horse, so to speak, and do what I know I should be doing. Nana and I talked about it all on Sunday and we’re going to start walking together and planning out menus. Holy Shit!!! That’s fantastic news. Now if we can stick to it. Even if she doesn’t, I will. I’m back in the saddle. Hahaha….

Recently there were a rash of wildfires here in the great state of Oklahoma. A couple of hard hit areas were Midwest City and Choctaw. Hard hit in the fact that there were complete streets turned into giant ash piles. Yeah we have tornadoes and they do a lot of destruction, but there is usually something to sift through and save. Fire is complete devastation. There isn’t anything to ‘sift through’. When you go back to your house and all you have is one brick pilar standing, how do you go on from there? I helped out with the Red Cross and let me tell you, I love them. What an organization! They are the first ones to show up and lend a hand. If I ever come into a lot of money, I’ll be sure and give to them. Even with my meager wages, I want to give to them. Did you know that all of the financial assistance they give out is from the donations they receive? And it’s free to the people that need it. There is no repaying the help you get. Unless you want to become a volunteer and give your time. (which I think everyone should do at least once in their life) It definitely gives you a ‘warm fuzzy’ when you can put a little smile on someone’s face…someone who just lost their house to fire, tornado, flood, etc. Even if it’s just for a minute, it’s completely worth it. One of the most touching things was a gentleman wanting to give me a hug and he was worried because he smelled of smoke. After we hugged he told me I was his angel. If that doesn’t make you feel good, nothing will!